fizzlingout
This blog is strictly for venting. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have suicidal fantasies
Confused...
relationshipsThings haven't been so bad lately, but I know in my heart that it only takes one day - even one hour to make things fall apart all over again. "She's" been emailing me and communicating with via email & phone. She's still so 'surface', yet she reveals her vulnerability when she wants to - not for any other reason other than she can't control it. See, she tries to act so tough and guarded, but when certain things are brought to the table, she caves in and shows me her heart. I guess she's protecting herself.
We reunited yesterday afternoon for lunch. I made her my famous angel haired pasta in papone sauce. She loved it. She brought me inside her apartment and we talked. It was still so "surfaced" and kinda' vague, impersonal and a little awkward. I tried to put out body signals of comfort - arms not folded and tried not to fidget with my keys. It was hard. After lunch, we headed back out of her apartment and she went to hug me. It was so "tap tap tap" on the back 'buddy-ish'---you know? Sort of like two men hugging when they really don't want to. She turned around and never looked back at me. Even when she went to her car, her body remained facing her car - not one look back at me to wave or anything. I felt as though maybe she regretted our reunion.
About thirty minutes later I get a phone call. It was her. She said she had this video of me that she wanted to send me. I said, ok, fine, send it. I hate videos of myself so I was really wondering which one she had - but nevertheless, it made her call me. She then went silent. I didn't know what else to say. "Are you ok?" Nothing. Then I heard her cry a bit. "Are you ok?" She said yes, and then said it was just that I looked so beautiful and it reminded of her all the wonderful times we spent together. I guess she's been playing this video over and over - I'm only assuming here. She said it was sentimental and she really wanted me to take a look at it - so she's burning it on a DVD for me. Then she toughened up again and said, "Ok, well have a good day", all business like and formal. It's so hard to see the soft side in her anymore.
Later that evening, she called me up and said, "Are you at your computer? Turn it on right away!" See, when we were together and we were in our own apartments, we would watch funny Youtube videos together and play them at the same time. I knew the drill, she asked me to pause it and on the count of three, hit play on this one video. I heard her laugh for the first time in such a lonnnnggggg time. I didn't give a rat's ass about the video frankly - it was just so nice to hear her sweet laugh again.
I sent her an email: "P.S. You looked really pretty today."
She sent me one back: "You did too and you smelled really good."
That was it. This weekend she'll be at her brother's apartment in the city. I wonder if she has met anyone. She didn't tell me if she was seeing anyone or not, but I wonder if she already met somebody else. I can't tell. I miss her a lot. I miss my best friend. I don't know what else to do. I'm staying available to her somewhat, however, I don't want her to think I'm being pushing or "weak".
My heart hurts, but I feel better that I've seen her. But, at the same time, I wonder if I'll ever get to see her again, the same way we once were. I wish I could just turn off my brain. I love her still.
We reunited yesterday afternoon for lunch. I made her my famous angel haired pasta in papone sauce. She loved it. She brought me inside her apartment and we talked. It was still so "surfaced" and kinda' vague, impersonal and a little awkward. I tried to put out body signals of comfort - arms not folded and tried not to fidget with my keys. It was hard. After lunch, we headed back out of her apartment and she went to hug me. It was so "tap tap tap" on the back 'buddy-ish'---you know? Sort of like two men hugging when they really don't want to. She turned around and never looked back at me. Even when she went to her car, her body remained facing her car - not one look back at me to wave or anything. I felt as though maybe she regretted our reunion.
About thirty minutes later I get a phone call. It was her. She said she had this video of me that she wanted to send me. I said, ok, fine, send it. I hate videos of myself so I was really wondering which one she had - but nevertheless, it made her call me. She then went silent. I didn't know what else to say. "Are you ok?" Nothing. Then I heard her cry a bit. "Are you ok?" She said yes, and then said it was just that I looked so beautiful and it reminded of her all the wonderful times we spent together. I guess she's been playing this video over and over - I'm only assuming here. She said it was sentimental and she really wanted me to take a look at it - so she's burning it on a DVD for me. Then she toughened up again and said, "Ok, well have a good day", all business like and formal. It's so hard to see the soft side in her anymore.
Later that evening, she called me up and said, "Are you at your computer? Turn it on right away!" See, when we were together and we were in our own apartments, we would watch funny Youtube videos together and play them at the same time. I knew the drill, she asked me to pause it and on the count of three, hit play on this one video. I heard her laugh for the first time in such a lonnnnggggg time. I didn't give a rat's ass about the video frankly - it was just so nice to hear her sweet laugh again.
I sent her an email: "P.S. You looked really pretty today."
She sent me one back: "You did too and you smelled really good."
That was it. This weekend she'll be at her brother's apartment in the city. I wonder if she has met anyone. She didn't tell me if she was seeing anyone or not, but I wonder if she already met somebody else. I can't tell. I miss her a lot. I miss my best friend. I don't know what else to do. I'm staying available to her somewhat, however, I don't want her to think I'm being pushing or "weak".
My heart hurts, but I feel better that I've seen her. But, at the same time, I wonder if I'll ever get to see her again, the same way we once were. I wish I could just turn off my brain. I love her still.
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